Dating. That ritualistic excitement of getting ready, meeting someone new who you seem to have made a connection with online and imagining them being that much better in person…….Well….fuck. Good, bad and ugly. We all have the typical bad date stories. However, I’m quite sure some of my experiences qualify for a time slot in prime time television. Comedy of course. One or two may be better suited for Dateline and I insist on having Keith Morrison narrating on my disappearance after a date with some batshit crazy hard on who doesn’t take rejection well.
Please note: I am STEADFAST in my vetting ritual. I Google everyone. Trust and believe I will find out every nugget of information on you before we ever sit across a table. Some do slip through the cracks, however. Like the 6’3 no necker. He had personality, was good looking and quick witted in correspondence. In person, however, he was a Danny DeVito knock off wearing a leather 8-ball jacket, and (wait for it….) took one spin on his heel, arms out to the sides and said, “So? What do you think?”
Then there was the guy who took me to an Italian restaurant, claimed he was fluent in Italian, and ordered his dinner and mine with an “Italian accent” before sliding me the bill. There was a fitness model (shallow move on my part), who was almost painfully attractive. During our first and only dinner, he broke into a sob story about why can’t go anywhere without being hit on because he is “too good looking.” Yes, yes he said that. Just shut your mouth. Just sit there and stop talking. You are ruining everything by actually speaking. To be honest, the one thing I was the MOST irritated about was how many times I looked hot AF and just wasted it on nonsensical dates. You’d be annoyed too. Stop lying to yourself.
True story. Not one relationship I have ever been in has come from online dating. Not one. The sIt’s quite easy to misrepresent oneself in a profile. We all do it. It’s like shoe shopping. The shoes looks great online but when you get them in the mail, they are super uncomfortable, don’t fit and don’t look anything like they did in the picture. My online dating days are over and have been for some time. As corny as this is going to sound, (and it will, no doubt for this girl) it’s the person I want to be attracted to. All the bullshit qualities that mattered when we were younger — the looks, the car, the job –really mean nothing. It’s the quality of the man. It’s the loyalty, the kindness, and being genuine. Be who you are and the rest will follow. It’s like watching a movie from the end to the beginning.
I put it all out there. All my blaring faults –what I look like when I first wake up (no one needs to see that), how my dogs are my first priority and I kiss them on the mouth, and that I can’t cook a thing. I have limited, if any, domestic skills. I don’t feel comfortable putting on some show of insincerity. I have the mouth of a sailor. I’m loud and interrupt people a lot because I have complete ADD and need to say what I need to say or it’s lost forever. I feel more relaxed when I’m inside out. If you like me at my hot mess, it can only go uphill from there. I often joke about how I will be the creepy lady at the end of the street with a front yard resembling that of Sanford and Sons, I will never change out of my house coat and have 27 feral cats who will no doubt eat my dead carcass when I die alone, because cats are just assholes. But in the end, I have come to this conclusion:
- Online dating serves a purpose. It can be fun as long as you’re sensible about it. Have zero expectations, an open mind and pretty hearty sense of humor. I have a delightful mental collection of some dates that warrant a small audience because you cannot make some of this shit up and it needs to shared. Dating SUCKS. It just does. Everyone always knows someone who they want to set you up with, like I’m the kid in gym class who was the last one to be picked so the teacher had to place me. (Don’t think I didn’t see the eye rolls because the short round Hatch kid was forcibly inserted on your dodgeball team.)
- We’re not hopeless cases. We just know what we do and do not want. It’s not unreasonable. Or some kind of anomaly that we are searching for. So single sisters, date away. Go on as many dates as you can. Meet as many people as you want. Have as much fun as is legal. Go cougar! As long as there’s grass in the field, I say play ball! Just do it. Don’t be afraid of it. If you’re new to being single, have at it. There are single guys waiting for you too but do your research or you will end up having dinner with a guy named Vincent who’s wearing an orange turtleneck sweater under a corduroy blazer with suede elbow pads, smoking camel cigarettes and slumps over in the booth after about 13 glasses of Merlot. Mother of god, I still have a twitch in my left eye from that one (not sure how that one even made it into the queue.)
- My theory is and has always been, you may not find him online, he may be right under your nose. Pay attention.