“Tomorrow you are having coffee with Jacqueline and then Heather will join you in the evening. On Wednesday Delora has you covered , Jess and I will meet you later.”
As my friend Robin rattled off my schedule for the week, I tried to resist. I am accustomed to working things out on my own, partly out of necessity and mostly out of habit. I don’t like asking for help and I hate being needy. I had trouble finding an emotional box for this overwhelming display of affection from my best friends. I didn’t want to be the center of attention. I didn’t want them to make a big deal over my grief and I didn’t want them to change their plans just to hold my hand.
When my mother passed away a month ago, I was a mess for the reasons that you would expect. However, our complicated relationship and my sudden orphan status elevated my grief to a place that was both challenging and painful. Nothing about her death was usual — there was no funeral or burial or sitting shiva. She was cremated followed by a one-hour memorial service in another state. Some of my dearest friends went out of their way to attend. Later that evening, I asked people to stop by. I wanted to wrap my arms around everyone who walked through the door. I was so grateful to have my daughters, husband and mother-in-law by my side, but I knew that they would be back to their own lives in less than 24 hours. I thought I could handle the aftermath on my own. I’ve been faced with death before and watched how it can splinter a family. I am a survivor. I would be fine.
Turns out, I wasn’t fine. Robin’s schedule allowed no time for me to sit alone and think about my crappy situation. It was one of the greatest gifts that she and my army of amazing friends have ever given me. I am the kind of girl who plans her own birthday party (can you say control freak) and wants everyone to have a good time. I am the type of friend who loves to check on my besties if they are struggling or need advice. That’s the place where I am most comfortable. If my friends are happy, then it makes me happy.
I felt guilty telling Robin I was fine, so I just went with it. After the first day, I found out how badly I needed the attention. I waited anxiously for someone to knock on my door. Looking back, I don’t think I would have made it out of bed without these amazing humans. When I couldn’t breathe or think clearly, someone was there to do it for me.
When my mother was ill, I had daily communication from many people that I adore. I had meat pies from Nancy and potatoes from Barbara. Laura made me dinner. Jen offered her dog for some extra love. My inner circle kept daily tabs on me. I was feeling tragically lost one day so I drove to Cape Cod and stored up on deep hugs from my beloved beach pals. I received sage advice from friends who had lost parents and blessings from religious souls. Friends from far away were in plain view. I didn’t have to answer texts or calls if I didn’t have the strength because these people don’t judge. they got in bed with me, held my hand and let me cry. We learned how to bake challah together; they took me to the movies. Heidi read my eulogy at midnight while she was visiting her son at college. Debbie, Laure, and my other close friends made checking in a priority. I had no idea at the time, but having people to warm my broken and confused heart was the reward for choosing quality friendships. Not one of these women questioned why I was feeling this way after a rocky road with my mom. They let me be whatever I needed to be.
In the end, their collective energy gave me the strength to make it through my mother’s illness, her death and the complicated grief that followed.
It doesn’t matter how many friends you have in your army, as long as they know how to love you in bad times as well as good ones. I challenge each and every one who is reading this to take stock of the quality friendships you have in your second act. As I have written about in the past, I have made mistakes in choosing the wrong kind of friends – some who were so off the mark that they did mean and ugly things to the sanctity of friendship. But now in my second act of life, I no longer worry that I have that kind of instability. Relationships ebb and flow, but they should never be so complicated that you wonder if he or she will be present for you in the darkness.
A personal army of friends can combat life’s most challenging moments. Over the past few months, I have felt loved, surrounded and safe. My grief continues to linger, but I won’t let it break me. Instead I’ll keep relying on my friends to save me.
I would love to hear about your friendship army and what it does for you. Please share your stories in the comments section below.
Mimi L. Golub is the Co-Founder and Co-Editor of Living the Second Act, an online magazine for women in their 40s and 50s who are seeking the truth. Mimi has written for numerous publications including The Huffington Post. She is the author of the someday-to-be-published novel, Boxed In. Mimi is also the writer and a staff editor of From Our Kitchens, a nonprofit cookbook that was released in 2018. In her spare time, Mimi loves to workout, drink tequila, and volunteer with many local causes. She lives in Newton, MA, with her husband and has twin girls who have left the nest. You can find her former work on: tequilainbed.com
Follow Mimi on Twitter @mimigolub
22 Comments
Sometimes there are events/changes in one’s life when the people who should be there to support you aren’t quite there yet. My army of friends have always been there and have never missed a step, never judged and have always kept me feeling safe and loved!
That is a very good point. I am so glad you are in my army. Love you!
A good friend has good friends. Relationships go two ways. And you get what you give! You are a stellar friend and in return your friends adore you! May your friendships carry you in good times and hard times.
You and your kind words are always in my heart. Thank you dear friend.
Great article, as I am going through the same thing, but I don’t have that army. Mine is in NY and Miami. I have been in bed every day, today I’m out but only because I have to be. Tomorrow my bed will again be there for me and I’m reading a book on losing a a narcissistic mother and how to recover.
Thank you Lori and I am so sorry for your loss. It is never easy to lose a parent no matter what the relationship. Come to Soulcycle with me and Nancy soon!
So true! Thanks for writing this wonderful piece!
Thank you So much Kristen. Hope you are healing these days!
Mimi, so very sorry for your loss. I lost my dad in October. My feelings of grief are complicated. I am functioning normally and that scares me. This process is surreal and one I have never experienced.
I agree. It comes and it goes. This is the point in life where we all have to deal with aging parents and it is scary. Thank you so much for your support. xxoo
After recent open heart surgery, my wonderful friend, Gail, insisted on starting a “food train” for friends to bring dinners for me and my husband. I kept saying no, that I was sure I would be able to get food prepared for us. Thankfully, she did not listen to me and so many dear and thoughtful friends provided not just dinners but special and thoughtful menus that told me they cared. I am eternally grateful for these special friends as I found out, I could not have been able to take care of myself and my husband, no matter how much I had thought I could. It took me weeks and months to recover to my new normal.
You are a special person and that is why people want to do for you. I am sure you do the same for them. Thank you for reading my article and for your support.
So beautifully written! So thankful to have you in my army!
Me too. Thank you for everything.
Your friends are here for you because you are a great friend. I have been so proud of you and he way you have handled your mother’s death. I am always here for you, my friend. XO
You are my potato lady and so much more. Grateful for our deep connection my friend.
Mimi, I’m SO sorry for your experience and loss of your mom. What a beautiful and true reflection on the value of those armies in our lives! And if you ever need a stopover (cup of coffee, stretch the legs, whatever!) between home and Cape, please do add another open door to your list!
Love your kindness and your support. Wish your friend would write for us! xxoo
Mimi, I am sorry for our loss. As I slowly come out of my own fog as a mother of 2 under 2 I begin to search for sage advice on all topics, and you continue to be at the top of my list for people to reach to for in these moments.. Thank you for this article as it hits home on so many levels for me. I am evolving everyday as a mother, a friend, and sister .I am grateful to know such a passionate and eloquent women in you Mimi. Thank you for sharing your heart and soul, it feeds mine. Xx Selina
I am beyond honored by your words. Yes you are in the thick of it and I remember it all so well. You are an amazing mom, friend, wife and human and I feel so grateful that our paths have crossed in this crazy life. xxoo
Mimi,
You have handled the loss of your mother , the funeral, etc with grace and a level head. I know how hard it is to loose parents, as you know I was an orphan at 35. I was very close to my Mother. Complicated relationships add another layer I am sure.
So glad you had friends that understand and helped. A couple of mine did not get it and told me basically to get over it. Years later when they lost their Mom they apologized to me.
Great article!!! You will help many who read your fantastic article. xoxo
I am so glad you are in my life and my family. Thank you for understanding all of it. Love you very much!