Welcome To The World Of Swipe Dating

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Swipe left.

Swipe left.

Swipe left.

Swipe left…hmmmm no – swipe right (I can always delete later.)

So many of the dating sites have turned to swiping. Because I have ADD and cannot concentrate long enough to read an entire profile, I prefer it, but I am pretty much basing my decision only on the photos they posted.  There are literally hundreds of profiles to swipe through. I do not like blind dates, so I need to be a little discriminating. As everyone who knows me knows, I overthink everything.

This is what goes through my mind about different men while swiping:

  1. He is not smiling in any pictures, which means he must have bad teeth. A nice smile turns me on. Swipe left.
  2. He is wearing a hat in every picture, so he must be bald. I like bald, unless he is balding and is trying to cover up that fact instead of embracing it. If we match, I can stalk him on Facebook and look for hatless pictures (and whatever else I might find out about him.) Swipe right.
  3. Every picture that he posted is from the neck up, except for one group picture where he is in the back row. He must be overweight. I like to stay in shape and have a (mostly) healthy lifestyle.  Swipe left.
  4. There is a picture with his children at his son’s graduation. This is always nice to see. He has kids, he is close with his kids, and he is a good dad (not necessarily always the case but you’ve got to start somewhere.) Swipe right.
  5. There is a selfie picture in his bedroom. The only things I am able to focus on are 1) that his bed isn’t made, 2) that there is a basket of laundry on the floor with clothes hanging out, 3) that the boxes on the floor make it seem like he hasn’t unpacked from college yet. It’s all in the details. Swipe left.
  6. He obviously just went on a trip, which is nice. He is cultured. The problem is that he looks like an ant near that canyon, and is wearing sunglasses and a hat. I do not need to see beautiful nature pictures from his trip. I already spend too much time on Facebook scrolling past all of my friends’ pictures from their trips. I want to see what he looks like, not what he looks like from 200 feet away, all sweaty and climbing a mountain. I would not even be able to recognize him if we were to meet somewhere. Swipe left.
  7. A picture where he is laughing with his son or daughter always gets me.  A fun, great dad is always a turn on. Swipe right.
  8. His dog is in every picture. I like dogs, but it looks like he has no children. The dog is his baby and I will be in a competition with the dog. You can never win over a dog, but I will swipe right…for now.
  9. He is leaning on a fancy car.  Either it is not his car and not a car that he will ever own, or he is overly impressed with himself. I like a nice car, but if he needs to show me his car before we even say hello, I am pretty sure there is a lack of confidence there. I like a guy who is confident. Either way…Swipe left.
  10. He is shirtless. There is no reason to post a shirtless selfie in a bathroom (or any room). While we are talking about shirts…there is NEVER an occasion for a guy to wear a sleeveless shirt (it looks a little Jersey Shore.) There is nothing else to say, but… Swipe left.
  11. He is in a full-blown costume, including a full face of makeup. I personally am not a fan of Halloween or Comic Con. It is not a big turn on for me to see a grown man in a Superman costume. Dress up if you must, but, if he considers that one of his five favorite pictures of himself, we are probably not a match.  Swipe left.
  12. There are pictures of his favorite quote, dog, house, flower, car, but none of him. He must be so unattractive that he needs to post anything and everything except a picture of himself. The other option is that he is married and trying to see what is available out there…. Swipe left.
  13. Every picture is a group picture.  I have no idea which man is doing the posting. Unless I can choose which guy in the picture that I would like to go out with…Swipe left.
  14. A profile with only one picture.  EVERYONE can take at least one good picture. Could he not find at least one other decent picture?? I’m thinking probably not. Swipe left.

Believe it or not, after all the swiping left, I still manage to swipe right on enough pictures to get some matches.  The next step is the tedious task of starting a conversation with a complete stranger….





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