Ever feel stuck? Like, just stuck, and restless and unsure?
I have reached a point in my life where I stop and look back and take quick inventory of the distance I’ve come. I only really count the last 17 years or so because that’s when the work really began. After I got my act together because really before that, I was kind of an asshole.
The life I’ve built for myself is simple, which makes me happy and kind of proud. I have a loving family and a firm group of loyal and supportive friends. I love my job and what I do and where I do it. My dogs love me. I am fortunate to have traveled to amazing places. I have a full life. You would think I would be content. I’m not sure I am and I can’t put my finger on it.
Why am I so restless? What is missing? Is it having a special person in my life? My “go to” guy? I mean there’s only so much codependency my bestie Liz and her husband can tolerate. Not sure how normal it is to literally be at their breakfast table every weekend sitting with their kids as though I’m an official member of the pack. However, it’s worth it when her husband comes down the stairs to see me reclined back in his spot on the sectional, drinking coffee and feeding his 20 month-old child chocolate at 9 am. His eye rolls and loud sighs make my day.
I’m like a nomad. I’m getting almost TOO comfortable being by myself. Most people think, “oh god what I wouldn’t give for that life.” The grass isn’t always greener folks. I often wonder what level of crazy I would be diagnosed as, if any psychology professional heard the in depth conversations that go on in my house. My guess is “little white jacket” crazy. In my defense, I’m talking to the dogs and they totally know what I’m saying. They most likely think I’m nuts too.
So what am I looking for? What’s making me so restless? Is this a mid-life crisis?? Sweet Jesus I’ll be 50 this year. My thoughts are all over the place. Am I bored? Is it time to leave the Cape and head back to Boston? I can’t quite put my finger on it. The routine is monotonous although it does keep me in check.
Isn’t this what we’re supposed to do? Day in, day out. Sameness. I believe for me it’s merely a foundation. You know where your nest is. Moving my location isn’t going to change my antsy pants. Stand where you are and figure out what your craving. Like when I crave sugar, I just jam chocolate in my mouth until I’m sick. Poor analogy but you get it. I crave more travel and experiences. I need newness. We all do.
I don’t do New Year’s resolutions because I think you should resolve to be better and more fulfilled any time during the year, but I do want my 2019 to be abundant. I spend entirely too much time by myself.
Make no mistake people, I like my aloneness. But fchriske, I refuse to be some creepy hermit who’s skin is pasty and chalky and squints at sunlight because I’m in my basement painting faces on dolls or some creepy shit.
I will accept more invitations this year and I will travel a little more. I will start to check things off my short list that I’ve wanted to do. What am I waiting for?? I can’t tell you how much I dislike cliches, but here we go…..life IS too short. You won’t get that time back. We will never have enough money so spend. You will always be OK. Time will not wait, a bill can. Things you’ve always wanted to do, why aren’t you doing them? I don’t want to feel flat anymore. It sucks the soul right out of me.
I’ve calmed down A LOT over the years and am nowhere near the spaz I was in my formative years. However, I still like excitement and I don’t give myself any leeway. My friend Bill nailed it when he told me I’ve not been the same over the last year. “You’re like a dog pacing hoping someone will come along and open the sliding door,” he said to me.
I don’t have all the answers and I’m not wise. I DO recognize when I need to pay attention. I’m also a recovering addict so I need to stay vigilant with that too. Instant gratification has never worked out well for me.
I write so I can see my thoughts in black and white. Sometimes I reread my articles and think “who is in charge of this site anyway?” Other times I feel better sharing what I know to be things that we all struggle with. There are times where my outsides reflect a perfectly content jolly cartoon character.
There are also times when I’m crushed inside. I don’t always have to figure it out. Sometimes it’s not my business to. I do know feelings aren’t facts and it will go away at some point. I have no end goal and I don’t have a deadline to which I need to hit a bunch of life milestones.
I lumber along too and I promise myself I will be far more grateful than I have been for small things. I pledge to throw myself in new experiences out of my comfort zone because being uncomfortable is part of the growth cycle. No one said by the time you’re 50 you have to have X Y and Z. It’s just a pressure we put on ourselves to impress who? To make ourselves feel accomplished? Accomplishments aren’t things. They are intangible in my opinion.
Do I sound like a wise old lady? If so, it is because I kind of am. Here’s my advice: be a better person for yourself this year and it’s OK to say”Fuck it” and do you.
Happy New Year.