My fiancé died the day I got my wedding dress. Here’s what happened.
At midnight on January 7, 2018, I stood and watched paramedics place my dying fiancé in a helicopter in route to the nearest trauma center, as I stood and screamed in horror.
Only twelve short hours after I purchased my wedding dress. Before I could make it to where he was at, he was already gone. In one instant, my life was completely destroyed.
To say that I was devastated would be an understatement. Everything I was looking forward to was taken away in a matter of minutes. I was angry, humiliated, and traumatized. I loved Jason, with everything in me. He meant the world to me. I had no reason to go on anymore, which lead me to become suicidal. Living just was pointless and wasn’t worth it anymore. When I was younger, I couldn’t understand why someone would take their own life, but after everything I’ve been through, I get it now. It’s a feeling of hopelessness that seems like you’ll never overcome it.
During the first few months, jealousy overtook my life as well. I would see people get married or engaged post all over social media, making the hurt even worse. The worst thing was receiving emails or letters in the mail about the wedding from companies marketing things to me.
I was diagnosed with PTSD along with having no closure. I was not able to find peace in the way that I wanted and needed. Closure is something that I was unable to get because everything that happened was completely covered up by the family of the boy who killed Jason. I never even as much got an apology from them for what they did.
The boy was drunk and was driving well over ninety miles an hour, but lied and said it was a mechanical failure.
There is some closure now, thankfully. I was informed that a large sum of money was paid to a certain doctor who controls the small town I live in. Nothing has ever been done to the boy, and more than likely, nothing will ever be done to him and that’s okay! I choose not to focus on him although I admit it’s hard not to focus on him. Especially, when his family is trying to stop me from speaking the truth.
It took a lot of soul searching, praying and almost two entire years of therapy to move forward, but my life is so much better. Realizing that there’s no point in being mad at someone who doesn’t care brought levels of unimaginable peace. Nearly two years later, I’m actually happy. Something I never thought I’d be able to say again. No, I don’t have someone in my life yet, and I’m hoping that changes soon, but as of now I’m definitely not lacking. I wrote a book titled “Fourteen Day Fiancé” describing what happened to me and my journey through grief. It changed my life greatly, for the better.
Some days are harder than others, and I definitely miss Jason, but not as much as I used to. I also have triggers that I am still learning how to deal with.
I still can’t look at wedding dresses, social media, diamond rings or even drive the same road that Jason was killed on. I even have days where I worry about being single and if I’ll ever meet someone again, but they are few and far between.
Throughout all of this, I learned valuable life lessons and things about myself that I never knew. I learned that I am capable of more than I give myself credit for. Not only that, but life is short. It’s not about whether we should or shouldn’t live everyday like it’s our last. It’s about living life, accepting the fact that death is inevitable. I also know that drinking and driving is also something that cannot be avoided. It can slow down, but it will never stop.
However, I do believe that injustice is something that can change. Speak out about things that are wrong. Just because it’s normal, where I live, doesn’t make it right.Read More Powerful Widow Stories Here
Natalie Jenkins is the author of the memoir Fourteen Day Fiancé. She lives on a farm in Kentucky and spends a lot of her time writing and studying foreign languages.