There are times when I have to dig a little deep for writing material.
My life isn’t that compelling. I write about superficial things because there’s someone who can relate and sometimes I write about things that are far more personal and I wonder “ooh, I’m really putting myself out there.” And then I kind of laugh at myself because if you know me, you know I’m not a very private person. I’d love to be some mysterious dark puzzle that people looked at and wondered what epic goings on happen in my life. I used to think Janet Jackson was like that which is partially why I was obsessed with her. I digress.
I write from experiences. I know I’m not unique in particular life situations. However, it’s only after the fact that I realize how far I’ve come as a woman and what I have personally learned about myself. I’ve learned that I have finally, TRULY come to a place in my life, where I know exactly what I want. Not necessarily FROM anyone. More what I want for myself.
I cannot emphasize this enough to the younger crowd, these “aha” moments absolutely come with age, because with age comes years behind you of a bunch of bullshit you have tolerated from other people. Maybe you aren’t confident enough, maybe you don’t think you deserve respect or to be loved or treated well. But I am here to tell you…..that is all noise. Loud. Worthless. Noise.
I have learned crucial lessons from relationships. When I was married, my husband controlled most everything, including the finances. I worked full time, but had no access to my own money. I was super young and thought that wives were submissive and compliant and had to hide what they spent. Fast forward to divorce, my shipping off to get sober and restarting my life. Penniless. I had relied on him for everything including respect (which he didn’t give me.) I allowed it. I made a promise to myself to never have to rely on anyone for anything ever again, no matter how long it took me. Let’s fast forward. Current day, I’ve been to six countries in two years, have a pretty comfortable lifestyle and just bought a Mercedes. I say that NOT TO BRAG (maybe a little.) I say it to prove a point. I work my ass off. I earned it. Alone.
You are strong enough and you are fucking worthy of standing on your own and taking nothing less than what works for you. I was in a relationship over ten years ago with man who essentially broke my soul.
It was in the early years of my own recovery and it was the first serious relationship since my divorce. I found myself trapped and lost again. When I finally broke free, I made myself yet another promise –to never allow anyone to speak to me or treat me the way he did. It took years to put myself back together from that. To BELIEVE I was not any of those things he told me I was. To believe that verbal slashing had nothing to do with me but had everything to do with his insecurities and how broken HE was and I was merely a threat and an obstacle. I can’t tell you how pivotal these experiences were to me. I almost want to thank him. Along the way I had a relationship with an amazing man who treated me with such dignity and respect and is still dear to my heart to this day. It wasn’t in the stars for us, but this relationship gave me awareness and hope.
As I approach 50, I feel pretty fucking great. My boobs are still perky, I get fair doses of Botox and filler so I appear a little younger and I have stayed true to the promises I’ve made to myself.
It was by no means easy. I do need to confer with my life soulmate Liz to remind me of these things. To reel me in and theoretically slap me around a bit. Overall I’ve created a decent life for myself. I know what I deserve and will not take less. Neither should you. It came from a deep dark place but I will not be fucked with. I’d rather be alone than be treated any lesser than my worth.
Take charge ladies….