How do I begin this widow blog?
Since I am the biggest fan of “The Sound of Music”, Julie Andrews is in my head singing “let’s start at the very beginning…” so that’s what I will do. Although I guess this could be considered both a beginning and an end…
I felt like I wasn’t really there, that this wasn’t really happening. Logically, I knew it was but it felt almost as if I was watching a bad movie that I was starring in.
I got on the phone with him and just hearing his voice made me feel a little better. It was like talking to my past when life was simple and we were high school sweethearts.
I put on my bikini, pulled my hair up into a scrunchy, and grabbed my Laura Biagiotti sunglasses. We sat on our plastic lounge chairs and put on lots of baby oil.
How bad can bad get? When your husband dies and 17 days later you lose power for almost a week, it’s pretty damn bad. These were the worst days.
Before I could stop myself, the words “Lily, would you like a dog?” came out of my mouth. When she screamed “Yes!!”, I thought “Oh no, what did I just get myself into?”
Little by little I started to not even ask what was going on concerning finances.
I knew that he was taking care of things.
The reason I am telling this phone story is that things like this are always a reminder that it’s just me here. There isn’t that other person to turn to and say “Ok, can you help me figure out this problem?”
How can I make a Bat Mitzvah and have a celebration like that without Howie? How can I sit through the service without him? I really didn’t know if it was possible for me to do this so soon.
Obviously I always thought Howie should be there. I felt terrible that he was missing out on what would have been such a fun and happy time in our lives.