But what is not expected and sometimes not understood is the anger. Being angry is the thing I struggled with the most.
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What I still can’t get used to are the awkward questions when I meet someone for the first time – “Are you married?”, “Are you divorced?”, “Where is your husband?” or anything similar to that.
The expression “live life to the fullest” keeps popping into my head. I guess that is what he did. I didn’t realize until now how much that really meant.
Obviously I always thought Howie should be there. I felt terrible that he was missing out on what would have been such a fun and happy time in our lives.
How can I make a Bat Mitzvah and have a celebration like that without Howie? How can I sit through the service without him? I really didn’t know if it was possible for me to do this so soon.
I have had summers with these old friends when all is good in my life, and I have had summers when life has been at it’s worse. But no matter what, I always smile and laugh when we are together. It has been good for me.
Before I could stop myself, the words “Lily, would you like a dog?” came out of my mouth. When she screamed “Yes!!”, I thought “Oh no, what did I just get myself into?”
I got on the phone with him and just hearing his voice made me feel a little better. It was like talking to my past when life was simple and we were high school sweethearts.
Little by little I started to not even ask what was going on concerning finances.
I knew that he was taking care of things.
I felt like I wasn’t really there, that this wasn’t really happening. Logically, I knew it was but it felt almost as if I was watching a bad movie that I was starring in.